Through all my unhappiness over the past few years dealing with declining health, I can see one positive. I used to be a fearful person and now I have dealt with the two things I was afraid of most, one being health issues. Things like sharing the gospel, that previously frightened me, feel like nothing now. I don't know what God has been preparing me for, but I believe he is conforming me to his image slowly, day by day, and gradually wearing down my rugged edges. I have always felt as a wild animal. Always struggling greatly with fleshly urges and with the inability to fit in amongst other people. I believe this will always be the case for me, as I was likely destined to be a lone wolf, and probably for good reason as the good Lord always has a reason. It would just feel nice for once to fit in and for life to be easy.
This may be an opportunity to try and vanquish all fears and to be completely at peace with death from this life. I just hope for the sake of my future wife and possibly children that I can have more time in this temporal realm to do good. After all, God didn't give us a spirit of fear, but of power, love, and a sound mind (2 Timothy 1:7 KJV).
I am back in China again, and for some reason, continue to be brought back here time and time again despite my desire to stay in the US. Perhaps God has a purpose for me to reach lost souls here? It's not an easy task doing missionary work in China as you cannot legally go door-to-door or likewise. Speaking with friends or passing out tracts may be the only options. However, it does feel a darker and darker place here, literally and spiritually speaking. The environment polluted more each year, the people becoming more westernized and more cynical, literal satanic symbols/stores popping up over big cities (I saw a new store with an upside down cross as a logo in Beijing that sells Satan-adorned clothing recently). This may be a great place for more missionaries as there are still many people here open to the Gospel.
